Today in a speech viewed all across the world, the president has unveiled his plan to solve the largest crisis to face our children ever. This momentous crisis of course is the problem of cookie crumbling. When appealing to his fan-base of first graders, he made it will known that he will not tolerate discussion or even debate. As he states:
So today, for the sake of our children, and the health and safety of all
Americans, I’m directing the Environmental Protection Agency to put an end to
the limitless dumping of cookies from our power plants, and complete
new pollution standards for both new and existing power plants. (Applause.)
The statement was a resounding success as the auditorium of first graders loved it. More cookies for all! All children know that more is better as this commercial shows:
And so his statement that we need to stop the limit-less pollution of cookies and save those cookies for the first graders was a resounding success.
The first graders also loved his mental pictures of an infinite amount of cookies. That picture is what drew their adoration and praise (and perhaps the bribes of cookies did not hurt either). Applause filled the warm air on a day that is quite momentous as the president tackles something we all needed to tackle. The thoughts of infinite cookies for no cost was just beyond imagining as several first graders swooned and others started cackling and babbling like mad. It was a spectacle for sure.
Critics started speaking out around this time as the craziness reached epic levels. All of this talk about infinite cookie pollution which makes no sense to anyone older than a first grader was quite appalling logically. There was also no mention of the dreaded “deep-sea cookie monsters” which are estimated to cause between -50000 and 50000 human deaths a year by the EPA. Just as a reference point, the deep oceans account for 10 times the cookie pollution that humans do, and yet the president did not even once mention the deep ocean. Those dreaded sea monsters that naturally emit and eat more crumbs than humans could possibly hope to emit are the reason that CO2 levels are rising as stated by a scientist who was obviously in the pay of “big cookie companies.” So the president dismissed the man and continued on with his speech about infinite cookie pollution from the much smaller and less numerous evil cookie monsters of the land.
In a more pressing moment later on in the speech when a first grader asked about the cookies lost in the sea and how so many more brave cookies are lost every year on the year’s oceans, the sweating president decided to actually counter that argument.
I will tell you children why we must focus on only the cookie crumbs and not the cookies themselves. Nature might produce cookies naturally in the deep-sea and they may produce 10 times more cookies than .. . .hey look , free cookies.
The children were subsequently bribed with cookies and told how the world will have many cookies. This is despite the fact that his plan calls for less cookies for all. Cheers were heard all the way into the hills because the cookies were good and the president even hinted that they might be healthy too.
The president continued to discuss issues in the cookie field:
We will embrace nuclear cookies which are completely clean and emit no pollution whatsoever. Perhaps we will open one bakery or two in the next ten years, which is an improvement over the last 30 years. We will also embrace other unproven bakery types because my friends are making millions in cookie crumbs. Oh, I don’t think the teleprompter was supposed to say that.
However, detractors were quick to note that his solution is rather small and immaterial not to mention does not counter the fact that you could simply make every bakery a nuclear bakery and suddenly the cookie pollution is no longer an issue and the cookie monsters in the hills will just starve to death. Also, they also noted that the natural world (especially the oceans) will continue to eat all of our cookies and spew the deadly cookie dust all over the world through quite natural processes. They questioned the wisdom of new regulations on current bakeries and “death trains of cookies” that would not solve the problem of the cookie monsters of the sea which eat so many more cookies and also leave behind vast amounts of cookie pollution that we have to guess how much is left behind.
Obviously responding to critics, the president also had a message for his enemies:
Nobody has a monopoly on what is a very hard problem, but I don’t have much
patience for anyone who denies that this challenge is real. (Applause.) We
don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society. (Applause.) Sticking
your head in the sand might make you feel safer, but it’s not going to protect
you from the coming storm. And ultimately, we will be judged as a people, and
as a society, and as a country on where we go from here.
The children went crazy several times after hearing about Monopoly and a secret society. What is better than hearing other children being insulted and hearing about these tall tales of heroics of scientists who must brave evil cookie monsters all day and all night? After several more cookie bribes, the president finally reached the end of his speech. It was notable in that he not once talked about how he was going to end up stealing all of the children’s cookies and giving them away to his rich friends who already had a tanker truck full of milk and several moving trucks chock full of cookies. But rather he discussed how he will prevent the cookie monsters of the sea from showing their face by killing off the small bands of cookie monsters in the hills. These small bands have plagued us for years he stated as he finished with this glorious rhetoric:
Americans are not a people who look backwards; we’re a people who look forward.
We’re not a people who fear what the future holds; we shape it. What we need in
this fight are citizens who will stand up, and speak up, and compel us to do
what this moment demands.
And so as he started stabbing a picture of the cookie monster from Sesame Street and telling the world that killing off the gentle cookie monsters of the hills will also somehow magically kill off the cookie monsters of the sea……the president pulled out his secret weapon; cups filled with milk. The the children squealed with delight and took those blankets that were also offered. After the children were fast asleep for “nappy time” Obama proceeded to make out like the Grinch and steal their unprotected cookies. He took them all because they were too sleepy to stop him. Perhaps it was their fault for letting the president tuck them in. This dirty action prompted one first grader upon waking up from his nap to call the president the cookie monster!
That bad man stole all of our cookies! he is no better than that dirty rotten scoundrel cookie monster.
Jay Carney, the president’s press secretary, had this to say about the incident:
We knew and still know nothing about any missing cookies. We in fact know nothing about nothing and everything. Copyright 2013 teleprompters Inc.
This has to be said for some people, this is satire that is based on the president’s speech on climate change. These things he stated along with what the EPA says is indeed the breadth of their intellectual ability. I did not want to make this too long-winded as it was long-winded enough, but suffice to say that there are many more issues I could have chosen to mock here. In any event, if the EPA or the president had stopped and thought about what they were actually saying for 3 seconds, perhaps neither would come off as the buffoons they are.
Transcript of president’s speech can be found here:
And the proof that the natural world emits over 20 times the CO2 that humans do can be found in the scientific literature and the IPCC if anyone wants to confirm that for themselves.
What we need is to solve a problem by actually implementing solution that will work to solve said problem. Killing off all the “cookie monsters in the hills” does not address the larger part of the problem. Humans emit 3% of the CO2 that the natural world does. By simply focusing on nature and lowering the CO2 emissions there instead of obsessively focusing on humanity they might actually come up with a solution that works. The undeniable truth is that most things humans do will cause CO2 emissions and this includes breathing. Since there is no difference between CO2 put into the atmosphere by man and that which is put there through natural processes, does it not make more sense to tackle the larger part of the issue?
And that my friends is why the climate organizers are morons. They focus on the smallest cookie crumb they can find because it was dropped by a human and ignore the rest of the cookie. By missing out on most of the world, you are living in a fantasy world that is divorced from reality and so you do speak at a rally and you do come off as a moron and a buffoon since you also have to insult your detractors. Well turn-around is fair play. This goes for any moronic greens, if they are going to insult skeptics, they better be prepared to get insulted right back.